Funny old game, the last at home in a funny old season. That’s funny peculiar, just in case you were thinking funny ha-ha.
West Ham arrived in dire straits and presumably in low spirits, knowing they were hot favourites to lose the two-horse race with Tottenham that would decide who dropped to the second tier with Burnley and Wolves.
Whatever the exotically named Nuno Espirito Santo had planned with three centre-backs, it wasn’t the start his team made. They were under the cosh from the first whistle as Newcastle United rediscovered the meaning of “intensity is our identity”. We chased and hustled, harried and moved at a speed the unhappy Hammers couldn’t match.
The first funny peculiar moment featured Tomas Soucek, whose left arm moved towards a Bruno Guimaraes cross from the right flank and diverted the ball back to his keeper. TV replays showed the clear movement of arm and ball, which VAR examined and (I’m guessing here, obviously) decided did not constitute an offence. Guesswork is essential nowadays because we haven’t got a clue what is or isn’t a hand ball, as umpteen former players now making a handsome living as pundits are quick to tell mere fans.
In the Sunday lunchtime match, Bryan Mbuemo controlled the ball by squeezing it between his inner arm and his waist. If he had not done so, the ball would have run free and Manchester United would probably not have scored a few seconds later.
Suffice to say the VAR took three minutes to send the on-field referee, who had awarded the goal, to the pitchside monitor at Old Trafford. After a further minute, the ref announced he had been correct all along in deciding the hand ball was accidental. That decision, if copied, means a referee now has to be a mind-reader as well as an impartial official, by judging intent. Who’d have thought it . . .
Back to St James’ Park, where before kick-off the brilliant Wor Flags volunteers had produced a fitting tribute to Kieran Trippier on the occasion of his final home match for the Toon. His first start in eight weeks, with Lewis Hall reverting to his normal side, was as welcome as Jacob Ramsey’s availability to replace Joelinton in midfield; very much, in both cases.
Talking of welcome, I’m always delighted to see an opposition goalkeeper channel his inner Beckenbauer when Newcastle are in full cry. William Osula had already given the visitors’ defence a couple of scares. Then Hermansen tried to pass short to one of two teammates out wide. Mads by name, mad by nature. Harvey Barnes ensured he reached the ball before either West Ham player, skipped round a feeble attempted challenge by Todibo and advanced with menace deep into the penalty area.
Call me old fashioned but I love a right-footer playing on the right wing. Barnes was almost spoilt for choice when he looked across, level with the six-yard line. Osula had run beyond the near post, occupying two defenders, while Big Nick Woltemade stood still, seven yards out and perfectly positioned to swivel and volley home the gently chipped pass. If he had missed it, either Ramsey or Guimaraes could have scored, which perhaps explains why Disasi was a split-second late with his despairing lunge.
The opener was a bit of a gift, delivered by Hermansen. The second, only four minutes later, was a contender for Mags team goal of the season. Malick Thiaw headed a long clearance back to Nick Pope, who rolled it quickly to Sven Botman. He played it leisurely across our 18-yard line to Thiaw, who returned the favour. So far, so familiar this season. A bit of so-what play . . .
Then Ramsey injected the pace by running back towards the home penalty area into space, giving Botman the option of a short forward pass. Just over 30 yards from our goal-line, Ramsey took a couple of touches and found Guimaraes near by. Two more touches and he bent a pass to Trippier on the right touchline, which is when it became interesting.
Barnes ran off the line, away from the West Ham goal, to take Trippier’s clever pass. His first-time ball found Bruno, whose first-time ball found Ramsey, running into the West Ham half and the space Barnes had vacated.
Ramsey’s first-timer was perfectly weighted for the rampaging Osula, who left Disasi trailing. One touch to set himself, then a fierce low drive with his left foot, slightly across the keeper. About 20 seconds of footballing perfection, 12 passes and an emphatic finish.
Two up inside 20 minutes, breaking forward at will, job done? Not quite. You don’t drop 27 points from winning positions in one season without giving future opponents a bit of hope.
To their credit, the Hammers didn’t crumble. Nuno quickly replaced Todibo, a centre-back, with Castellanos to help the isolated Wilson.
Once the Argentine had kicked our Brazilian skipper a couple of times (I think that’s obligatory in South America circles) and been ticked off by the referee, he started to play football. Summerville escaped on the left and his cut-back was volleyed goalwards by the man who has Taty on the back of his shirt. Pope beat away the close-range shot with his left arm and seconds later kicked clear a low Disasi drive. Unconventional but effective.
There were no more efforts of note from either side before the interval, though the curse of the ex might have struck if Wilson had been concentrating on the ball rather than on pushing Botman when another Summerville cross flew across the box. It was a warning, though few would have noticed.
The second half trundled along, with the hosts unable to reproduce the dynamism of the first 20 minutes. Sandro Tonali limped off after 53 minutes, replaced by Joe Willock, but neither keeper was extended until Lewis Hall fired in an angled drive that Hermansen punched away. Seconds later, he was pleased to see a swerving Guimaraes effort fly inches over the bar.
Wilson was doing his best to bully his former teammates and just before the hour we were pinned into the left-back area in front of the Leazes End. Guimaraes took control and fell on the ball after being pushed over by Soucek. The lofty midfielder took exception and twice kicked at ball and man. Jarred Gillett endorsed his reputation for leniency by merely booking Soucek and taking no action against the other party, who had retaliated by angrily leaping to his feet and grabbing his marker’s shirt.
That was the Czech’s last contribution before being replaced on 63 minutes by Kante. Wan-Bissaka simultaneously made way for Pablo, whose lose touch two minutes later allowed Willock to rob him and break down the right. A pair of quick one-twos with Osula ended with the young striker scoring his ninth goal of the season, this time an instant low hit with his right foot.
Three up, half an hour to play, what could possibly go wrong? On 69 minutes we found out. Hermansen’s goal kick evaded Botman, who was balked, inevitably, by Wilson. The ball bounced once before Castellanos, while losing his footing, smashed a dipping shot over Pope and high into the net.
The unlikely goal gave West Ham renewed vigour. Wilson went down in the box under pressure from Hall but the VAR agreed with Gillett’s decision of no foul. Then Bowen, who had been far less impressive than Summerville, shot weakly at Pope from 20 yards.
Dan Burn and Jacob Murphy replaced Barnes and Woltemade soon after the big German had played in Bruno for an angled drive that didn’t find the gap between Hermansen’s feet.
Wilson had his first shot a minute later but it was another easy save for Pope. Then the ball fell to Castellanos from a high, deep cross and he smashed an effort off the bar and over from the junction of the six-yard box.
A 3-2 scoreline with more than 10 minutes remaining would have caused yet further angst after a fraught season.
Castellanos did his best with a clever header, forcing Pope into a smart save low to his right.
A clearly emotional Trippier took his final bow at St James’ Park on 85 minutes. The energetic Osula also made way, with Yoane Wissa and Anthony Elanga replacing them. Meanwhile, Anthony Gordon continued to warm the bench. If selected for England this summer, he should be raring to go at the World Cup.
Hall continued to sprint forward, knowing Burn was his insurance, as the game became stretched. Shots were blocked and tempers lost when Willock disagreed with his captain after choosing not to pass.
Guimaraes somehow escaped a yellow card for an ugly and violent hack at Summerville 25 yards from goal. Thankfully, it was flush on the shinpad.
There was still time for Murphy to surge down the right wing and send over a powerful cross that would have reached Willock beyond the far post if Elanga had not stretched and fired over a volley from 12 yards.
A messy end to what has been a messy home campaign. The fortress seems to have been made of sand at times, with top-class performances the exception rather than the rule.
At Craven Cottage on Sunday there’s an opportunity to complete the season with 10 points from a possible 12, which would equal our best return from any four-game run in the Premier League this season. A win would also give us a positive goal difference and perhaps a little positivity going into the summer.
There’s been too much thud and blunder, not enough blood and thunder from Newcastle these past 10 months. While there are plenty of reasons for a disappointing campaign in “the world’s best domestic competition” — injuries, workload, last summer’s shenanigans — the feelgood factor will not return until results improve.