A few weeks ago, I had little interest in Trump’s summer soccer party, especially after the president of Fifa awarded the president of the main host nation a “peace prize”.
I was happily discovering, belatedly, the genius of George Orwell’s 1984, though I doubt even he could have foreseen the volume of doublespeak uttered by world leaders recently.
Despite all that, the international, free-to-air football proved irresistible once again. It just draws you in, like a dumb little fly to a cunning spider’s web.
Everything was going swimmingly in my efforts to see at least the highlights of each match. Scotland after midnight: tick. Kick-off 2am: yes, I’ll have a bit of that.
One of the privileges of growing old disgracefully is becoming unashamedly selfish. OK, I might have formed that attitude a while back but sleep deprivation is no problem for pensioners; or at least it shouldn’t be. What else is there to do when the footy’s on telly?
Something changed a week ago, when I was laid low by a painful and dangerous infection that has kept me in Worthing Hospital ever since. The heart attack in 2016 was a walk in the park compared with this illness.
I’ve had more drips than a dodgy Dulux paint job, taken more hits than a Luke Littler dartboard. Doctor and the medics are ensuring I don’t go on up to the spirit in the sky, though I sometimes feel higher than nine miles high.
No need to worry, I thought, all the World Cup action will be available on my laptop. Mrs R brought in the headphones and the charger once I was found a bed on the emergency ward. That’s when the problems started, viewing wise. No BBC services, live channels, iPlayer or even radio, can be accessed on the internet in this hospital. It has excellent surgeons, wonderful nurses, superb support staff and great food but also a highly effective electronic barrier. Whenever I tried to watch the Beeb, my computer said no, telling me the material was not available “in this territory”.
Who’d have thought it? A bit of technical research gave a bit of hope but still I couldn’t connect to the BBC, though oddly, ITV live broadcasts were now available to me, so for the first time in my life the panel of pundits overseen by the unctuous Mark Pougatch became my channel of choice. Actually, I just muted them, as per.
Turns out that sleep deprivation is a well-chosen torture method. After managing a total of about nine hours in 90 while under the influence of more drugs than even the Hacienda offered (allegedly, your honour), I was talking gibberish and, more worryingly, starting to believe football was coming home.
The 4-2 victory against Croatia was far from perfect but at least it showed a sense of adventure. Then my fever eased, my temperature dropped below 38.4C, my blood pressure slowly increased towards normal levels and my blood contained a sensible amount of oxygen. The resting pulse is still running about 50% above typical, mind.
Once sanity returned, the issues with Tommy Tuchel’s squad became clear. A sense of adventure became recklessness. This is not being wise after the event, because England are undefeated and have reached the round of 32 as group winners. I haven’t looked but I would guess they are among the five or six bookies’ favourites to become world champions next month.
I find that odd. Tuchel selected Tino Livramento, a skilful and versatile full-back who, unfortunately, was unfit when the 26-man squad boarded the flight to the States. He had been injured when Newcastle United faced Bournemouth in April and played no part in the anti-climactic climax to the domestic season. Not content with one injury-prone right-back, Tuchel also chose Reece James, who rarely plays more than three games without breaking down. Perhaps more to the point, a fighting fit James is only marginally better than a crocked one.
Was anyone surprised when Livramento had to return home because of injury before the tournament even started? I had been more shocked he had made the cut while Lewis Hall was omitted. Nico O’Reilly might be a better all-round footballer (though I don’t think so) but as a left-back he is more like a midfielder masquerading as a defender. Which, funnily enough, is an accurate description.
Sadly for Hall, his late-season deployment on the right flank probably counted against him. Having said that, anyone who had watched the 2025 League Cup final would have known Jarrell Quansah was not a full-back.
The nominal replacement for Livramento was Trevoh Chalobah, a centre-back at Chelsea last time I checked.
John Stones looked more wooden than the Trojan Horse against Croatia and just as slow to turn. Ezri Konsa was iffy and Jordan Pickford was his typical erratic self, to put it mildly. O’Reilly was done for pace more than once. James was, well, James. By the crucial third group game against Panama, he was injured and unavailable. Djed Spence, wearing a cut-back Hannibal Lecter-style mask, certainly stood out when he came on as a late sub, though not for the best reasons.
While I’m sure plenty of you will consider my views ridiculous (blame the drugs) they are symptoms of a much bigger illness, caused by the FA when it appointed the current gaffer (that’s Oberbeleuchter in German, by the way).
Tuchel was initially given a two-season contract with one target; to win the World Cup. Predictably, he concentrated on 2026. There was no reason to build towards the eminently more winnable Euro Championships in 2028, which will be hosted in the UK and Ireland, because that was not in his contract.
Equally predictably, England waltzed through their World Cup qualifying group, with a team containing many of those who had gone close under Tuchel’s predecessor, Gareth Waistcoat. When I say waltzed, there was no great rhythm or beauty to admire. Functional, effective, heavily reliant on Harry Kane. It was often Blue Monday rather than Blue Danube.
Anyway, everyone loves a winner, so those FA masterminds decided to move the goalposts before the tournament finals started. They allegedly feared the Oberbeleuchter would be poached by jealous rivals as soon as the Yankee Doodle Dandy ended.
Mark Bullingham, the chief executive, announced Tuchel’s contract had been extended to cover the 2028 Euros. Call me old-fashioned . . . but if I am given two years to do a job, then given another two before the tricky bit has started, I would be confused. It’s not a compliment or a reward; it’s a sign your employer had doubts when you were appointed.
More importantly, Tuchel would presumably have experimented during the facile World Cup qualifiers with an eye to the future. There have been some new faces, of course, such as Elliot Anderson and the aforementioned O’Reilly, but many of those who failed in 2022 and 2024 were retained beyond their use-by date. If Stones, Konsa, Pickford and Jordan Henderson were not quite good enough two years ago, why would they be better now?
To win the World Cup England must play eight times between June 17 and July 19. That’s eight games in 30 days. Often in hot and humid conditions. Perhaps at altitude. Fitness will be paramount, especially if, as is mooted, Mexico will be the opponents in the Round of 16. The joint-hosts’ capital is more than 7,000ft above sea level.
While Harry Kane’s scoring prowess and importance to the team are undeniable, he was never lightning quick. He needs legs around him to do his pressing, which were initially provided by Anthony Gordon and Noni Madueke. If England are to hit teams on the counter, don’t expect the former Harry Hotspur to be the arrowhead.
The problem with never resting the captain, even in easy matches, is the denial of opportunities for understudies to prove their worth. The same goes for an alternative to Pickford. I’m old enough to recall an unwell Gordon Banks being replaced by Peter Bonetti in the 1970 World Cup. There was a sense of trepidation when Banks of England fell ill just before the game against West Germany. Nobody should liken Pickford to Sir Alf Ramsey’s keeper but the same dilemma will present itself if the rarely rested Everton man becomes unavailable. Who is ready to step into his boots?
Pickford has looked jumpy and uncertain thus far. His reckless challenge in the match against Ghana might have caused all sorts of ructions. Konsa’s flying two-footed assault in the box certainly should have been penalised.
England’s best chance to score arrived at Kane’s feet minutes before full-time. The shot he smashed into Row Z while unchallenged a few yards from goal looked to be the product of a tired body. Is he honestly capable of starting five more games between Wednesday and July 19?
Thus far, Jude Bellingham has been the one player on top form. Is that linked to missing a chunk of La Liga matches because of a scheduled operation on his shoulder?
Bukayo Saka wasn’t fully fit when the domestic season ended or when the tournament started and has looked no better on the ball than any of the other wide men. They must do their job if Kane is to thrive. Inverted wingers are all the rage but, if they are as one-footed and predictable as England’s, a competent defence will nullify them. Oh, for an Ousmane Dembele, whose rapid hat-trick for France featured a right-foot rocket and two supremely accurate curlers with his left.
Jarrod Bowen, one of the few versatile forwards with two good feet available to Tuchel, must be wondering what he did wrong last season.
The injuries keep on coming. Quansah limped off near the end of the Panama game with a twisted ankle. What did Oscar Wilde say? “To lose one full-back may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.” Something like that, anyway. I hate to think what Mr Wilde would say if England lost three . . .
A massive irony of this tournament is the disconnect between “let the game flow” officiating and the compulsory breaks midway through each half. I enjoyed the first match because the referee was clearly unwilling to stop the game whenever a player rolled around in apparent agony. We all hate gamesmanship but the officials do have to apply the laws. When was a kick to the head of an upright opponent considered fair play, for example? Answer: in Germany’s game against Ecuador, when Leroy Sane scored seconds after that incident.
The “coffee break for VAR” was unimportant in the grand scheme because Ecuador went on to win. Imagine the furore if such dangerous play went unpunished in a knockout tie and led to the victim’s team being eliminated.
There is a place for robust, no-nonsense defending, which is one reason I’m baffled Dan Burn seems permanently benched. He is Mr Reliable at centre-half and, when leeway seems to be the watchword, he will fit in just fine. He’s also almost indestructible, which cannot be said for Stones, James or Quansah. Perhaps Big Dan will get his chance against the Democratic Republic of Congo this week, England’s opponents in the Round of 32.
If so, he will almost certainly face Yoane Wissa, who has already been his nation’s hero twice. He scored the equaliser against Portugal in their first game and two against Uzbekistan in their third to ensure qualification.
On reflection, the word “hero” should be spared for those who, with no recognition, save lives every day and restore us to health. The men and women of the NHS, such as those from Ghana and Kenya, the Philippines, India, Poland and Bulgaria, all working through the heatwave down here in Sussex, are the true heroes.